Ocean’s Eight ** (2018, Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Helena Bonham Carter, Awkwafina) – Movie Review

Sandra Bullock stars as heist mastermind Danny Ocean’s sister Debbie Ocean, who gets out of jail after five years and assembles an all-female team to rob the New York City’s yearly Met Gala of a priceless Cartier necklace that they scheme to nick from the lovely neck of a fashion celebrity, Daphne Kluger (Anne Hathaway).

There are lesbian overtones and undertones, and there is a whiff of anti-men in the air. Blanchett plays biker chick Lou, and she and Debbie are very close from the old days. Lou might be Australian, but it’s hard to tell by her accent. Debbie plays blonde and German in disguise, though she still looks remarkably like Sandra Bullock. This does give her the chance to speak German, though. Her mother, Helga Bullock (née Helga Mathilde Meyer), was a German opera singer. Even so, it manages to be a bad advert for women, being all about makeup, hair, frocks and jewels. Ocean’s Eight is an empty-headed affair, along with its characters and plotting. Anybody who like their thrillers, er, thrilling or credible can safely stay away.

Naturally, male actors are badly treated. Richard Armitage has a lousy role but he is not at all good as the film’s villain, Ms Ocean’s ex, who put her in jail in the first place, and now she obviously intends to have her revenge on him while she lifts the diamonds, making him the fall guy. Is this plot actually interesting at all? No, it is not.

Perhaps the weakest link in the original films, Elliott Gould re-appears to no advantage as Reuben. James Corden is dreadful too as the Columbo-style insurance investigator John Frazier. He plays it for broad laughs, and isn’t at all amusing. Though there is not a lot of him, there is still too much of it.

Old-timers Marlo Thomas, Dana Ivey, Mary Louise Wilson and Elizabeth Ashley are wasted in a rushed, fumbled and pointless last-minute plot development.

Ocean’s Eight and its actresses fail to spark or sparkle, like the diamonds they’re stealing, and they fail to be fascinating. It feels like a long Ocean’s voyage, though it is actually only a tight 110 minutes. Absolutely no Ocean’s Nine please. Ocean’s is dead in the water.

[Spoiler alert] George Clooney originated the role of heist mastermind Danny Ocean in the initial trilogy – Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve and Ocean’s Thirteen – but his character has been killed off.

© Derek Winnert 2018 Movie Review

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